Wow, a few weeks ago, it really hit me. Emily and Savannah will turn 5 years old in September. Where did the time go? I know for the past two years, things were rough with my depression, but now things are so much better and I am really enjoying all my time with the girls. It seems like this year just sped by way too quickly. I think I am starting to freak out a little...really feeling sad that the baby/toddler/preschool years are almost through. It seemed like it would take forever for them to be 5 years old and now in a few short months it will be upon us. They won't start Kindergarten for another year, so at least I will still have them home most of the time, but that doesn't seem like enough. Do all parents feel like this about their first born children? Or does this feeling come with each child, no matter how many children their parents have?
I've been thinking a lot about this. Am I finally at a point where I may want to add a child to our family? I've considered international adoption recently, but after doing extensive research, I'm just not sure that will be a realistic option financially. Seth wasn't too excited about the idea. In his words, it just seems difficult to go that route. Now, I have no problem having more children naturally, but I really felt there are children out in the world who really a need a loving home, and I was willing to be a part of giving a child a home...if it were just that easy.
So, now I find myself evaluating our situation. Can we afford another child, even if we go the biological route? Am I ready to be a stay a full-time stay at home mom for another 5-6 years? Will I have the energy? So many things to think about...and trying to think without emotionally charged reasoning is difficult. I never "planned" on having more than 2 kids, but I also never "planned" on having those 2 at the same time either. So, I guess I'll just pray about it for now. Pray for direction. Pray for peace about my girls growing up, enjoying each moment and age.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Post Disaster Thoughts
On May 22, 2011 at 5:41pm, an F5 tornado ripped through my hometown of Joplin, MO. My parents still live there. The tornado missed their neighborhood by 3 blocks. Two blocks over, there were trees down on top of houses and in yards. It's amazing my parents' home was not damaged. At the time of the tornado, my dad was taking cover in the kitchen pantry as their house does not have a basement, nor did many of the homes that were destroyed. My mom was at the college, finishing up the JHS graduation duties. She, along with her co-workers and families/students who had not yet received their official deploma, were told to go to the basement and they stayed there until the storm was over. She came home to a house with no power, so she did not yet know of the extent of the damage the tornado had done to Joplin. I logged in to facebook and immediately started messaging all my friends from high school to find out if they and their families were okay. Most were, some had parents whose homes had been heavily damaged, but thankfully they all were alive.
I received a call around 7:00pm and she told us there had been a tornado, but they were okay. She had not heard from her co-worker who had just dropped her off at home. I turned on the news after getting our girls in bed. I saw the reports and the photos of many areas that had been damaged. I immediately called my mom back and told her how bad it was. It wasn't until the next day that she and my dad were able to see the damage. There were many family friends they still had not heard from yet, so we were all worried. I think I called my mom six times throughout that Monday checking to see if she had heard from people. She updated me on the status of the damage she had seen first hand, including that of my old high school and her now former workplace. I continued to watch the news reports and hear the stories coming out of Joplin. It was then that I just up and decided I was going to do something to help. The first thing that came to mind was to contact my old church in Joplin to find out what the needs were. Then I sent out three emails to my friends, JCMOMs, and Aldersgate Preschool. I was collecting supplies to take to Joplin later that week and put out a list of needed items and offered to come pick them up. Wow, God provides in ways I never imagined. I had such a huge response, we needed at least two vehicles to transport all the donations to Joplin. I had to leave a car load at my house. I never anticipated getting that many donations. What a wonderful problem to have!
On May 26, Seth, the girls, and our two dogs, drove down to Joplin. When I turned off 7th Street to go to their neighborhood, I just stopped. Up the street I saw the damage. My best friend's old neighborhood was gone! I couldn't believe it. We picked my mom us and went to three locations to drop off donated supplies. Then we went back home to give the girls some play time and Seth and I began cleaning up debris from my parents yard. Among the items we found in the yard were torn wedding pictures from someone's home, a boy's senior picture, a drawing done by a young child named Whitney B., a homemade photo frame with a child's picture in it, and a class picture from Cecil Floyd Elementary from the year 2003. We don't know who these people are, and pray that they were not injured or killed in the tornado. We continued to pick up large pieces of tree bark, siding and insulation from a house, large chunks of splintered wood, roofing shingles, pieces of glass and plastic, etc. It took us 2 hours to clean up the front yard.
The next day we finally ventured near the disaster area, mainly because we needed to get across town and the tornado had cut right through the middle of Joplin, so it was hard to avoid. Upon driving to the top of hill at 15th and Connecticut, we finally saw just how bad the damage was. It was the most horrible sight I have ever seen in my entire life. Everything recognizable was gone. Just gone. The trees that were left standing had been completely stripped of their bark and were basically a trunk with a few jagged areas sticking out, the rest of the trees were no longer there. All the homes I had been accustomed to driving by everyday when I was growing up were reduced to piles of rubble. It looked as though a bomb had been dropped and everything was destroyed. 20th and Connecticut area was even worse. Tears welled up in my eyes, wondering how anyone could have survived. A friend's old apartment complex was gone, the Fast Trip where I used to get gas was destroyed, the Kindercare Daycare was no longer recognizable, nor was the Commerce Bank, the insurance offices, or any other business that had once been there. I looked down 20th Street to realize the Dillons grocery store was heavily damaged as were all of the surrounding homes. Just unending vastness...
Later we would then drive by the high school, which was destroyed along with the surrounding neighborhoods. It looked like a landfill. We drove down main street, only to find out any place we would have normally frequented was utterly destroyed...and at 26th and Main St. you could St. John's hospital in the near distance--that would not have been the norm any other time. As we continued to drive, I saw cars, crumpled, thrown on top of piles of rubble. Again, I thought to myself how did anyone survive? Later that evening, we ended up driving down Rangeline Rd to get to the other end of town--most other North/South streets had been closed off at 9PM to help keep looting down and prevent other tragedies. We drove past the Home Depot and I just started crying. It was nothing but a pile of steel an broken pieces of walls. Cars littered the side of the road, torn up and crunched. Many of the restaurants my family had eaten at all the years I lived with then were either gone or badly damaged. We drove by the Wal-mart and realized the Burger King nearby was literally gone--all that was standing to let us know it was BK was a few pieces of twisted play equipment from their play-place. Car dealerships were damaged, gas stations nothing but twisted pieces of metal, everywhere you looked there was complete disaster.
I can say, until you've seen such destruction, you don't know what we take for granted and realize our time here on earth is short. I've been saddened deeply for those who had to experience such a horrible and frightening event. The stories I heard about students from the high school have been on my heart. Once everyone in the school district had been accounted for, they announced 1 employee and 7 students had died in the tornado. I have a friend whose grandmother was also killed. Several of my friends parents are now without homes. One friend had been in the house with her family when the tornado came through and now when her daughter hears thunder, she runs screaming and crying to her mom--filled with fear that another horrible storm will happen again. Just heart breaking.
I know it may not make sense to many people, but I have been sad all week long since returning form Joplin this past Saturday. I have a history there, and now many places I have memories of are gone. While I did not know most people who died, I feel so deeply for their families and friends. It has left a lasting impression on me...and I will never forget the images of all the destruction. One night this week, I was so distraught and began to grieve for everyone affected. I was on my knees, crying, and praying for God to take care of everyone who was left to deal with the aftermath of the tornado. All I did was take supplies to distribution centers. It hardly feels like enough. If I didn't have small children to take care of, I would have stayed for days, volunteering in anyway needed. I found myself feeling very guilty for driving back home to our nice neighborhood. I plan to drive down in a few weeks and will help out if there is an area I can help in. Until, then, I am encouraged by all those who have gone to help and to those who are still there helping.
In trying to make sense of all this, I picked up my Bible and just opened it. This is where I ended up: Ecclesiastes Chapter 3. I would like to share the text with you as I found it extremely applicable, and this is where I will end my post.
Ecclesiastes Ch. 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
15 Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account.[b]
16 And I saw something else under the sun:
In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
in the place of justice—wickedness was there.
17 I said to myself,
“God will bring into judgment
both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
a time to judge every deed.”
18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”
22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?
I received a call around 7:00pm and she told us there had been a tornado, but they were okay. She had not heard from her co-worker who had just dropped her off at home. I turned on the news after getting our girls in bed. I saw the reports and the photos of many areas that had been damaged. I immediately called my mom back and told her how bad it was. It wasn't until the next day that she and my dad were able to see the damage. There were many family friends they still had not heard from yet, so we were all worried. I think I called my mom six times throughout that Monday checking to see if she had heard from people. She updated me on the status of the damage she had seen first hand, including that of my old high school and her now former workplace. I continued to watch the news reports and hear the stories coming out of Joplin. It was then that I just up and decided I was going to do something to help. The first thing that came to mind was to contact my old church in Joplin to find out what the needs were. Then I sent out three emails to my friends, JCMOMs, and Aldersgate Preschool. I was collecting supplies to take to Joplin later that week and put out a list of needed items and offered to come pick them up. Wow, God provides in ways I never imagined. I had such a huge response, we needed at least two vehicles to transport all the donations to Joplin. I had to leave a car load at my house. I never anticipated getting that many donations. What a wonderful problem to have!
On May 26, Seth, the girls, and our two dogs, drove down to Joplin. When I turned off 7th Street to go to their neighborhood, I just stopped. Up the street I saw the damage. My best friend's old neighborhood was gone! I couldn't believe it. We picked my mom us and went to three locations to drop off donated supplies. Then we went back home to give the girls some play time and Seth and I began cleaning up debris from my parents yard. Among the items we found in the yard were torn wedding pictures from someone's home, a boy's senior picture, a drawing done by a young child named Whitney B., a homemade photo frame with a child's picture in it, and a class picture from Cecil Floyd Elementary from the year 2003. We don't know who these people are, and pray that they were not injured or killed in the tornado. We continued to pick up large pieces of tree bark, siding and insulation from a house, large chunks of splintered wood, roofing shingles, pieces of glass and plastic, etc. It took us 2 hours to clean up the front yard.
The next day we finally ventured near the disaster area, mainly because we needed to get across town and the tornado had cut right through the middle of Joplin, so it was hard to avoid. Upon driving to the top of hill at 15th and Connecticut, we finally saw just how bad the damage was. It was the most horrible sight I have ever seen in my entire life. Everything recognizable was gone. Just gone. The trees that were left standing had been completely stripped of their bark and were basically a trunk with a few jagged areas sticking out, the rest of the trees were no longer there. All the homes I had been accustomed to driving by everyday when I was growing up were reduced to piles of rubble. It looked as though a bomb had been dropped and everything was destroyed. 20th and Connecticut area was even worse. Tears welled up in my eyes, wondering how anyone could have survived. A friend's old apartment complex was gone, the Fast Trip where I used to get gas was destroyed, the Kindercare Daycare was no longer recognizable, nor was the Commerce Bank, the insurance offices, or any other business that had once been there. I looked down 20th Street to realize the Dillons grocery store was heavily damaged as were all of the surrounding homes. Just unending vastness...
Later we would then drive by the high school, which was destroyed along with the surrounding neighborhoods. It looked like a landfill. We drove down main street, only to find out any place we would have normally frequented was utterly destroyed...and at 26th and Main St. you could St. John's hospital in the near distance--that would not have been the norm any other time. As we continued to drive, I saw cars, crumpled, thrown on top of piles of rubble. Again, I thought to myself how did anyone survive? Later that evening, we ended up driving down Rangeline Rd to get to the other end of town--most other North/South streets had been closed off at 9PM to help keep looting down and prevent other tragedies. We drove past the Home Depot and I just started crying. It was nothing but a pile of steel an broken pieces of walls. Cars littered the side of the road, torn up and crunched. Many of the restaurants my family had eaten at all the years I lived with then were either gone or badly damaged. We drove by the Wal-mart and realized the Burger King nearby was literally gone--all that was standing to let us know it was BK was a few pieces of twisted play equipment from their play-place. Car dealerships were damaged, gas stations nothing but twisted pieces of metal, everywhere you looked there was complete disaster.
I can say, until you've seen such destruction, you don't know what we take for granted and realize our time here on earth is short. I've been saddened deeply for those who had to experience such a horrible and frightening event. The stories I heard about students from the high school have been on my heart. Once everyone in the school district had been accounted for, they announced 1 employee and 7 students had died in the tornado. I have a friend whose grandmother was also killed. Several of my friends parents are now without homes. One friend had been in the house with her family when the tornado came through and now when her daughter hears thunder, she runs screaming and crying to her mom--filled with fear that another horrible storm will happen again. Just heart breaking.
I know it may not make sense to many people, but I have been sad all week long since returning form Joplin this past Saturday. I have a history there, and now many places I have memories of are gone. While I did not know most people who died, I feel so deeply for their families and friends. It has left a lasting impression on me...and I will never forget the images of all the destruction. One night this week, I was so distraught and began to grieve for everyone affected. I was on my knees, crying, and praying for God to take care of everyone who was left to deal with the aftermath of the tornado. All I did was take supplies to distribution centers. It hardly feels like enough. If I didn't have small children to take care of, I would have stayed for days, volunteering in anyway needed. I found myself feeling very guilty for driving back home to our nice neighborhood. I plan to drive down in a few weeks and will help out if there is an area I can help in. Until, then, I am encouraged by all those who have gone to help and to those who are still there helping.
In trying to make sense of all this, I picked up my Bible and just opened it. This is where I ended up: Ecclesiastes Chapter 3. I would like to share the text with you as I found it extremely applicable, and this is where I will end my post.
Ecclesiastes Ch. 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
15 Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account.[b]
16 And I saw something else under the sun:
In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
in the place of justice—wickedness was there.
17 I said to myself,
“God will bring into judgment
both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
a time to judge every deed.”
18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”
22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?
Monday, March 7, 2011
God Is Working
So for the last few months I've felt some kind of change is coming. First it seemed Seth's job change was it. Then, the sudden onset of more peaceful times in our house seemed to be it. The girls are more manageable now, our interactions with each other are much more positive and loving than testing the limits of how much "no!" I could take and how much "no!" they could accept. Things are good. I am now tapering off of the antidepressants and hope to never need them again. But something else is stirring in my life. God is working and right now I'm just not sure what he's doing yet, but it's going to be big, I just have this feeling. So I for now, I'm trying to be patient, praying more about direction in life, if I should return to school to pursue another degree, or if my purpose is to continue staying home, making me more available to help people on much more flexible schedule. God is working on me...and it's going to be big.
Monday, January 10, 2011
New Year, New Hope
So, I've basically not posted to this blog for almost a year. Last year I went through a bad round of depression, so I took a break from posting. I can say, at first I thought I was just really stressed out and that was the source of all my frustration and anger, etc. But, it just seemed I was really not happy. So I went to my doctor and asked him to evaluate me for possible depression. Turns out, yes, I was probably dealing with some depression. Afterall, I am a stay at home mom of twins, now only 4 years old. Those first few years were stressful, and having two kids going through the terrible twos and threes at the same time was often overwhelming. The doctor pointed out that being under stress for prolonged periods of time can cause depression. He also told me he sees quite a few moms with multiples in his office for the exact same thing. That made me feel better. He told me he thought my depression was mild--moderate and prescribed an antidepressant. I was a big apprehensive about the medication because of all the potential side effects, but went ahead and took it just to see if I noticed a difference. All I can say now is wow, what a difference! I went from being angry, frustrated, ovewhelmed, to occassionally annoyed. Now, I must be honest, I have experienced some of the common side effects from the medication, but I'm willing to put up with it for awhile because the benefit from the medication far outweighs the side effects.
In addition to the medication, I requested a counseling referral. I would like to manage things better on my own and hopefully not have to rely on medication all the time. In June, I completed 5 months of counseling. I learned a few techniques for managing my frustrations, as well as just realizing I am doing so many things right when it comes to parenting, it's just that I have really strong willed kids that have a persistence to challenge me all the time. Good news is, this seems to only happen with Seth and I and thankfully it is not a problem at the girls' preschool or church.
Looking forward to a better year in 2011!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Statements from Savannah
Savannah is upset this morning. She has lost her toy ring. She's been looking all over the living room and kitchen and still can't find it. I suggest to her that maybe she dropped it and it went under the couch. She frustratingly responds, "Mom! It doesn't have legs!". Hahahahahaha! I then rephrase my sentence and say maybe it rolled under the couch. 3 year olds have such a funny take on life sometimes.
Friday, February 5, 2010
A 3 year old's perspective on cooking.
Yesterday I was getting out things to make meat loaf for dinner and Emily comes running into the kitchen very excited. She gets out her apron and then enthusiastically asks, "Can I help make? What are you making? I want to help make!" Make? Does she mean bake? I tell her I'm not baking anything and explain I'm mixing together the meatloaf. She still wants to help. I then have to explain that it's not a safe idea for little kids to touch raw meat, so she can't help this time. She got really sad and then says, "But I really want to make somthing, what can I make?". So cute, Emily and Savannah both love to help me bake cookies. I guess they think working with food is called "making". I can see the reasoning behind that, for example, I'll ask them if they want to help make some cookies, or tell them I need to go make dinner. Maybe I'll have to plan some fun cookies or cupcakes to bake...or um...make?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sweet girl
Savannah can be so sweet sometimes. Today, I'm sick with a cold, and at snack time offered Savannah an orange. She tells me I can have the first bite of orange to help me get better. What a sweet little girl.
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