Where do I fit in?

Well, I find myself wide awake at 12:37am and it's totally annoying. I know why. I've been upset since earlier this evening. It was a rough bathtime/bedtime with the twins, Emily and Savannah. They are almost 14 months old now and they are becoming increasingly independent...which makes my job as mom even more challenging at times. For example, Emily has become a but ornery at bathtime--she wants to stand up in the tub and try to walk around. Not a very safe thing to do, especially when she falls and bumps her head or face. Amazingly this has not deterred her efforts to stand in the tub. I think she has figured out that I don't like for her to do this, so she tries that much harder to do it. Bath time is exhausting with her. Savannah on the other hand is quite content sitting in the tub, however her goal is to splash as much water out of the tub and onto her mommy as she can. Now, I usually bathe them separately, but once in awhile I'll put them in the tub together and then I quickly regret that decision. Talk about major splashing!! And on top of that they want to take each others toys and crawl around or stand in the tub trying to get the toys. Chaos!! That aside, I love my girls deeply. Most of the time they are very well behaved and sweet little girls. I can't imagine my life without them.

Life with twins has been challenging to say the least. These past 14 months have been such an experience, some hard, but mostly good. I must say though--it's been one of the loneliest times of my entire life. Being a stay at home mom to twins is difficult, especially early on. From double feedings, double diaper changes, food allergies, colds, doctors appointments, nap schedules, etc. I just don't seem to have much time for myself, or getting together with other moms. My girls still take 2 naps a day, so you'd think I could find time for me while they are sleeping. However, that is not the case. I am constantly trying to catch up on laundry, dishes, etc. It often comes down to a choice of do I exercise? Or do I shower? Do I have time for both before the girls wake up? And if I do those two things, when will I get any housework done? Seriously, housework does not get done very often...so our house is just cluttered and not always very clean. It bothers me. So, playgroups at my house are out of the question. Anyway, our house isn't really big enough to peacefully handle more than a couple of toddlers and many moms I know have 3 or more kids so that would just be loud and crowded in our house.

I have tried going to a multiples play group through the school district. Unfortunately we were the only ones to show up, so that was really disappointing. I really need to get to know other moms of multiples. I feel like many of the moms I know just don't know what it's like to raise twins and so it's frustrating not to be able to relate to them very well. My life is just so scheduled and I'm probably a bit strict with it, but honestly when I let the schedule go, the day just does not turn out well. I think early on I tried doing things with other moms--and maybe these moms just have tons of energy and are super organized and have the advantage of not having two children the exact same age, but I just can't keep up with them. I have tried and it ends up creating a lot of stress for me because I'm constantly worrying and feeling bad when we show up late for get togethers or even just trying to coordinate going for a walk with the kids. It's a lot of work with 14 month olds.

So, I find myself lacking really deep friendships at this point in my life. Maybe there's a reason? I've tried to figure out if I'm just difficult to get to know, or just plain boring? It's so different now than when I was in college...yikes that's been about 7 years ago. I recently went to a reunion with the campus ministry I was involved with and I felt so alive. It was so great to see all of my old friends. Some of them I have kept up with via email or the occasional phone call, but it was so much better to get to visit with them in person. I felt like me again.

So that's where I'm at in life, trying to figure out where I fit in now...I wish it didn't upset me so much, I wish I could just accept and enjoy life as it currently is for me. With that I'll end this entry. I could use some good prayer time, that always helps take the edge off. And maybe after that I'll have calmed down enough to go to sleep.