Bad behavior--mad mommy

Okay, folks--get ready for some venting! If you don't want to hear me rant and rave about bad twin behavior then I suggest you not read the following. I am near exploding so I really need to vent and no one else is home but me and the girls, so here is where I vent.

I am so freakin' mad right now--I just ran to our basement and slammed the door, jumped up and down and in a shouting rage, screamed a dozen obscenities. I am THAT mad. For some people that's probably small potatoes--but for me I only cuss when I am REALLY mad. I still don't feel I've totally gotten all of my anger out even with the yelling. I just want to throw something, kick something, break something--then go away to some far off place and never come back. That's how I feel right now. I hate being a mom today. Hate it, hate it, hate it! Did I meantion I hate it?

The girls are going through a difficult phase right now--major resistance to EVERYTHING. They get mad when I try to dress them, change their diaper, turn the water to wash their hands, brush their teeth, give them a bath, read a book to them, sing, dance, etc., etc., etc. It is so frustrating. And now, Emily is into telling me she doesn't want to to eat--refuses her plate--will throw it off of her tray to make her point. Then 5 minutes later she says calmly "I want to eat, I want my plate, Mommy". This has been going on for the last month and I'm getting really tire of it. Savannah does it sometimes too--but usually doesn't refuse her plate. If she doesn't get more of something, then she simply throws her fork/spoon across the room, throws her food off her tray, throws her cup on the floor, etc. Each time I tell them no throwing food, plates, forks, cups--leave them on your tray or give them to mommy. It does not matter what I say--they still throw it anyway. Well, today I got really fed up with it and screamed at the girls for doing it again, gave Savannah a spanking for throwing her plate after I just told Emily not to throw hers. I took away their trays and ended the meal. I am still mad. I don't even want to deal with either of them at another meal time from now on. It's the same frustrating routine daily and I don't know how to get them to stop. I know it's probably normal for their age, but I really think the bad behavior happens earlier and lasts longer because I have two the same age, mimicking and learning from each other. It's about to push me to my limit. Actually I think it already has and I am now beyond my limit, because all I do is scream at them, and I'm spanking them more and more because nothing I say seems to get the message across. I don't like spanking them, but they seem to stop their bad behavior a lot quicker with a spanking than with just a verbal reprimand--even time out doesn't have an effect.

I just want to get past this frustrating time in our lives--when does the fun part come? Or has that time passed already? Is parenting nothing but a huge frustrating experience in which we just try to survive and hope later on when our kids are grown up that they still like us and want to call us and come visit occassionally? Seriously, it feels that way alot these days. Basically for me once the girls hit 16 months, life just gets harder and more frustrating by the month. Now I've totally lost my patience and have turned into a witch mommy. I'm still going to counseling for it, but I don't know that it's really helping a lot. The main advice so far is to make sure I'm getting a break to get out my frustrations. That's a hard thing to do when you are a stay-at-home mom of 2 year old twins, with no family nearby to babysit and give you that break. Maybe I need to buy a punching bag and just go nuts on it during the girls naptime. AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just wish they would behave well. And I just want them to do what I tell them, to stop hurting each other, to stop throwing tantrums. I know that won't happen for awhile, but I can still hope.