Feeling a bit lost...

For awhile I've just felt upset about something...not sure exactly what, but just sad. I think I've figured out what it is. Yesterday when my neighbor asked me if Seth and I were going to have anymore kids, I of course used my standard answer, "I don't know...this toddler phase has been rough...we'll see how the next few months are." When we went through our pre-marriage counseling, our goal back then was two kids by the age of 30. Well, we ended up meeting that goal all at once and at 29 now I'm feeling the pressure to decide if we should add another or not. Seth is fine with it either way, although I've been so stressed with the girls these past few months that I think he's leaning toward stopping at two kids. Okay, back to my figuring out what is upsetting me--I think I've been so consumed by the whole twin thing for the past 2 years and 10 months that I just don't really know who I am anymore. I kind of got lost along the way. So, with that in mind, I'm silently freaking out because I have no idea what to do with myself as the girls get more and more independent. It's a blessing in some ways, but I'm so used to being in such high demand to the point of not enough of me to go around for the two girls, that now I just don't really know what my roll will look like. So, back to the question of adding another child--I think I'm a little afraid if we don't, then I will just be more lost than I am right now. If I continue in my in high demand mommy roll in life then I know what to do for the most part--that will buy me a few more years before I really have to decide what to do with myself once all the kids are in school.

I know I still have 4 more years before Emily and Savannah start kindergarten, but I'm a planner, and I have to know what's ahead for me or I just go a bit crazy sometimes. So, we'll likely not have anymore kids as I feel not knowing what to do with myself is a bad reason to have another one, and my stress level has just been over the top, so I'm afraid it could get worse with trying to deal with pregnancy and two 2-3 year olds. I guess I should just pray about it a lot and see what God's answer is...who knows, maybe he has more kids in our future, maybe not? Until then, I need to figure out what I want to do later in life, how I'm going to get there, and what it will take to do it. That's a lot to think about...so on that note I think I'll go to bed and think some more tomorrow.