To Have Another...or Not?

It's the same question that frequently is either asked of me by others or put in my head by my own doing. Do I want to have another baby or not? I go back and forth on this question a lot. Last week when asked this question, my answer was I was pretty happy the way things are right now. Monday and Tuesday, however, I found myself leaning the other way on that question. Partly due to everyone under the sun seems to be pregnant and about to deliver or just found out they are pregnant. Just this week--4 people at the Baby Gap are now pregnant, will be delivering in the next month, or just gave birth. My small group is that same way--one just had a baby a few months ago, another is due next month, and yesterday another announced her pregnancy. It's all I hear about these days. And everyone seems so happy, etc. So, all that plays heavily on my ongoing indecisiveness. I also think that my desire to stop having kids by age 30-31 is subconsciously putting the pressure on. I'll be 30 this summer...so if I do want to stick to that time frame, I'll have to decide what I want to do soon. Seth and I had a brief discussion about this topic last week. He's fine with one more child, although he's cautious about that because of how stressed out I was for quite a long time. So, last night when I talked about it again, I think he could tell I may be more seriously considering having another one...and suddenly his attitude became hesitant. What's up with that? So, last night I felt really sad. I would like to be on the same page as Seth about our family planning. At one time he made it feel it was up to me to decide because he was fine either way, now it seems he's leaning toward not. So confusing. And, I feel a little hurt because I feel like my previous stress has made him fearful of having another kid. So, in a way I feel like if I do have another one and it is stressful, then it will be my fault if our relationship suffers. That's a lot of pressure!

I have so many things going through my head right now, so if you are reading this I tend to jump around and not make sense, sorry! So, if I were to pursue another child her are some of the things that will be challenging: First, having enough energy to keep up with Emily and Savannah while pregnant--the twin pregnancy sickness lasted 17 weeks and I was miserable 24/7. Not sure how that would play out if I had to deal with that again. Second, where in the world would be put a third child in our current house? We have a 3 bedroom house--the bedrooms are small, even the master bedroom is small. Emily and Savannah each have their own room now due to sleeping problems...so where would we put the third? I told Seth if we had another one I'd rather we get a house with an additional bedroom. He told me he really doesn't want to sell this house. Problem. So if we wait until we have a bit bigger home, I'll be past my ideal time for having another child. Another thing to consider is that we don't have family that lives in town to help us if needed. With my mom having cancer and treatments, she'll not be able to come up as often to visit and help out for awhile. And finally the last challenge is cost--already having two in mother's day out is costing quite a bit, so preschool will be the same and then if Emily and Savannah want to be enrolled in any activities, that will be additional costs...and on into the future we'll have two prom dresses to buy and then two college tuitions to pay at the same time. If I have another child in the next year or so, it's quite possible we'll have 3 kids in college at the same time for at least 2 years. I know, that's way off in the future and our kids could turn out to brilliant and get full ride scholorships to their schools of choice, but just in case, we'd better plan for them needing some help.

There a lot of cons, I can see from what I just typed above...however I realize there will never be a "perfect" situation, so I'm not letting the cons totally rule my decision. The fact that I can't just decide to be totally done having kids leads to to wonder does that mean that maybe deep down I really do want another one? I just wish God would give me one of those "huge flashing neon sign" moments.