Mixed Emotions

I know, I should be in bed right now, especially after the day I had. Waking up in pain from my epidural injection was not the greatest start to my day. The girls woke up really early today too...so that meant no extra sleep for mom and dad. Seth stayed home this morning to help with the girls since I was still hurting a lot. That was really nice, and I'm so thankful he is able to that from time to time. He took them to the mother's day out program they are enrolled in. So, I had a nice break this morning. Upon picking the girls up, they were GROUCHY. Not unusual--they always seem to be grouchy when I pick them up, but because Seth dropped them off, I think they were a little mad that he didn't stay with them. Who knows...

Naptime was a battle again today, as I wrote previously. I finally ended up duct taping Savannah's diaper around her waist 2 times. She wasn't able to stretch the diaper enough to get it off this time. She cried for 30 minutes and then it was quiet, she finally fell asleep. I got in maybe a 20-30 minute nap before the phone rang. Of course, I forgot to take the phone off the hook...and so I get ANOTHER stupid automated phone call from "Cardholder Services". I'm not sure if that's a real organization or if it's one of those scams going around. Either way, if you really want to talk to me, you'll put an actual person on the other end of the phone instead of a stupid recording. They never actually say what the call is regarding...so I think it's probably a scam. Either way, "they" are one of the main reasons I take the phone off the hook during naptime--their calls happen that often.

After the phone rang, Emily woke up and started singing her mother's day out version of the "Itsy-Bitsy Spider". It was cute. She was so happy when she woke up. She wanted to wake Savannah up, but I told her not yet. Not after all my efforts to get that girl to sleep today. So she had a snack and then was content to play on her own for awhile, but several times would ask to go check on Savannah. Finally when I actually heard Savannah playing in her room did I allow Emily to see her. From them on, they were fighting, fighting, and ignoring me of course. What is with that? They act like they miss each other so much when one is still asleep, and then as soon as they are together again, they can't be nice to each other. Emily kept hitting Savannah on the back of her head as she ran by their little table in the kitchen. I would tell her to stop hitting, hittin hurts, etc. So what does she do? Yep--continues the hitting, only this time she gets a toy and uses it to hit Savannah. So frustrating. So again, I pull Emily aside and tell her no hitting, hitting hurts, please go play with your toy in the living room. Emily's response: "No, I don't want to." Then runs by Savannah, hitting her on the head...ARRGGHHHH! Our whole afternoon went that way, with Emily saying things like "No Mommy, don't tell me, don't talk to me". Mouthy little 2 year old wouldn't you say?

So, the best moment of our day was during bathtime--which is usually a conflict time, but today it was good. I don't know if God was gifting me with this moment of happy, peaceful, harmony with the girls, or what, but thank you! So, after that we went right back to 2 year old defiance. Bedtime was hard--lots of stalling with both girls tonight. I put Savannah in backwards one piece jammies, and again told her how to earn her sticker, gave her kisses and then she started requesting to give me more kisses, after two I told it was time for bed. She then went into tantrum mode, so I told her goodnight and closed the door. She cried loudly for 30 minutes. Emily, on the other hand chose to throw her book down and refused to pick it up off the floor to put it away, so she got book reading taken away for tomorrow night. Then she would not get in her bed, so I turned out the light, told her goodnight, and shut the door.

That was the end of my "mommy" day. So for the rest of the evening I've been on the couch half watching boring T.V., and going over some of my frustrations in my head. I tried to talk about some of them with Seth, but he's so easy going, it's hard for me to get him to really understand why I get so frustrated and angry with the girls. He finally offered this observation: Our girls are rarely in compliant and happy moods at the exact same time. So, what goes on in my house all day long is me battling for control constantly with one or both of them. This is why I've had it at the end of the day. I think he's probably right. He also thinks that I'm taking all this negative behavior a bit personally. I know they are only 2, but sometimes it really feels like they are just mis-behaving to see how I'm going to react, or to see what kind of reaction they can get out of each other. And now all the demanding and backtalking is getting to me. Problem is I'm trying to reason with them...I know, probably not realistic, but what else can I do? If I just let all the bad behavior slide, then they will never learn what is appropriate and what is not. The other thing I can truly say that works against me is my temper. I'm one of those people who will get mad on the inside, but try to hold it together for as long as possible and then after all the little things that make me mad build up, I just darn near explode in a temper tantrum of my own (ie. slamming doors, yelling in the basement, or yelling at the girls). It's like the more I try to keep my cool, the worse it gets as my buttons continue to be pushed all day long. I don't like that side of me. My dad was that way, and I know what it felt like to be the kid on the receiving end of it...so it's troubling that I can't keep it together to prevent my girls from having to experience that. Sometimes I just feel like my girls are going be all messed up because their mom can't just roll with the punches. I've tried counseling, it helped some, but really not enough.

I think I'm just angry to an extent that I don't even know why. I've felt like I've had an experience raising my twins from day 1 that many other moms, just will never know what it's like. I have a resentment I think. That everything for me is often twice as hard, takes twice as long to do anything, etc. and yet I'm supposed to function on the same level of moms who have children of different ages. It's hard to live up to that standard. I don't know why I feel that pressure. Honestly, if I just didn't ever go anywhere, I'd probalby not feel so stressed and angry becauseI wouldn't have the girls to contend with while trying to get out of the house--and I would never have to see other moms who seem to have it all together and act like what's the big deal?. Okay, I know I'm rambling now. I just feel like I'm not enjoying my children right now as much as I should be. Other moms seem so much more positive, and talk about how much they love taking care of their kids, etc. So what's wrong with me? I want to feel that way instead of my constant frustration. I want to have time for hobbies and for a social life. I can't even talk on the phone anymore because the girls are always fighting, and harming each other. Even my mom will get off the phone quickly so I can break up the fight.

So I find myself right now saddened, after looking back at their baby pictures and remembering how much I liked that phase so much better--even though it was hard because all I did was nurse all day...things were much more peaceful back then. So I find myself asking how did I get to the place that I'm at right now? How can I get back to happier times? Am I depressed? Am I just stressed? I have no idea...so thus the title of Mixed Emotions for this posting.